The Poor Bitches Manifesto
You always hope you never end up broke as hell and contemplating government housing,food stamps and the stigma attached to it. But as they say, shit happens,pardon the cliche.
At 19 years old with only a high school education, I built myself up from a poor girl in a double wide,mind you a very nice one, to assistant director of the only prominent and thriving daycare in my small town.Id started from the bottom,working steadily toward the top.
My story goes to show that you can go from being a 21 year old, successful, single female who has it all to a broke bitch whose only possessions of worth are her two chihuahuas. So I'm going to weave you a little tale about this girl who had it all, and how her arrogance and pride slowly crumbled.
I was once the girl you didn't so much as give an ugly look.The girl you knew better than to talk ugly about.The consequences of me finding out, just weren't worth a few minutes of gossip.The tough girl,that didn't take shit from anyone.Now I am the girl you pass on the street,the one you whisper to your friends about.I am now humbled.
Pride goeth before the fall.
Chapter 2
I'd always partied a little too hard for my young age.The summer before graduation I gathered a tight,cose nit group of friends.Everyone in this posee earned the esteemed title of best friend,or at the very least close friend.I had more people I genuinely respected and enjoyed spending time with then ever before.They respected me and more importantly respected me.My best friends were 6 girls and 3 guys.
At first it all started out as just partying with my best friend Shaynan.I'd been friends with her basically the majority of my life and in high school we became two peas in a pod.She was a little shorter than myself,with long beautiful red hair and stunning eyes.Of course freckles came with her red hair and just added to her charm.We wore mainly black tees and jeans,accompanied by multi-colored bracelets that crowded for space on our wrists.We stood out in our small Texas town,but not in a bad way.Then came along J-bish.J-bish was the good church girl who rarely drank.She was quiet,sweet and someone that would literally take the shirt off her back so you wouldn't have to wear one soaked in vomit.J-bish was my height 5'4",shoulder length hair,strong brows and a quiet kind of beauty only few would truly notice. We,of course, were determined to bring our church mouse to the dark side.The dark side had booze and parties that went on for days.
Our adventures of party jumping led us to expand our trio. Tanna,a blonde bombshell stuck in the awkward duckling stage,was and still to this day,is the craziest bitch I've ever met.And I mean that with complete respect and appreciation. Everyone loved Tanna,the adults around us loved her.She appeared so sweet and nice,the typical girl next door.Everyone else knew Tanna for how she really was.She'd climb your back like a monkey and wrap her lanky frame around your neck before you even had a clue she was near you.She was just as likely to leap out of the shower,full sprint,naked as the day she was born,and try to leap at you.She was impulssive and fun.Teresa was our little prep we somehow acquired.She was tiny,mexican,and totally adorable.She had her own group of people she'd grown up with but I guess we held more allure.We were more honest to the point of rudeness.We were more up front than anyone she'd been around.In our group,you knew where you stood.There was no shit talking or gossiping about each other.We all had each others backs and it was a nice change for everyone.
Shaynan dated this boy that summer who left her for another girl.A girl who we couldn't stand personally and who had just opened herself up to a can of hateful worms she wasn't ready for.She was pretend lesbian,full of lies,and no personality.She spun lies like a web. Of course when her girlfriend found out she'd been left for a short pudgy kid,with acne and a lisp,it was practically a slap in the face.This girlfriend stuck by her trying to be her friend,even if she couldnt be her girlfriend.We now had another target to blame for Shaynan's heart break.Erica worked at the local McDonalds and on one occasion,Shaynan threatened to drown her in fry grease.All in good fun,of course. From mortal enemies to two people both nursing a broken heart,she was unofficially invited in.Erica was agirl who talkedfaster than anyone I knew.She was so intelligent it was almost intimidating.She had a scattering of angel kisses across her nose and cheeks and thick brown hair.My first gay friend.
During my senior year of high school my dad and I got into it physically.It wasn't the first time,but I'd had enough.I stood my ground,packed my shit,and for three or four months I lived basically on my own,sleeping on couches,friends cars,where ever.Erica and I were in the same homeless boat.We were invited to move into Shaynan's until other arrangements could be made.While it wasn't ideal,it was a safe,consistent place for me to stay.
My skipping school got so much worse.I was taken to the principals office and told if I didnt start attending Saturday schools,I wouldn't graduate.That was enough to scare the piss out of me and I started going more regularly,and attending myn saturday school sessions.I was still partying and I was making myself sick from exhaustion,but I refused to stop,or at least slow down.
I eventually got tired of being away from my family and went to my dads and asked if I could come back home.I was welcomed back with open arms and finally was able to turn down a party occasionally,so that I could get some sleep. Graduation was coming and I was ready for it.
Chapter 3
After graduation things got even wilder.Our parties lasted all night,and into the next morning.3 hours of sleep could hold me for 24 hours.I was a rock star,partying like it was 1979.
There were nights of skinny dipping I don't remember.I only know what my friends tell in stories.Apparently that specific night I had been too afraid to step off a boulder into the lake.In my drunken stupor,my mind had warped a small crevice of water into a snake. While all the other girls stripped and jumped off the rock into the water,I squeeled,half naked. I shrieked at a puddle of water for 20 minutes before I got enough nerve to poke the water hole with a stick.Then I jumped my round ,naked ass into the lake with gusto! We splashed,swam,pretended we were mermaids and other aquatic beasts. It was a unforgettable night with unforgettable friends.We laughed at each others drunken attempts at modesty. It was too dark to see anything but body outlines but we still covered our butt cracks and crotches in fear someone would see our brown eye!
Almost every night and day of that summer was like that. Full of laughter and the joy of being young and carefree.Our biggest worries were whether we could find someone over 21 to buy more beer before midnight.
I was young and had just started to outgrow my rounded awkwardness,my square shape had started to curve.I realized this eventually and coaxed a younger guy I knew into blowing $300 worth of his car savings on liquor.We bought everything and anything we could think of. I called one or two of the members of our little clique and before I knew it I had accidently thrown one of the biggest parties of the summer.
I insisted everyone I saw take a Jáger bomb with me.I was a drunken disaster before the 2nd carload of people even pulled up.By the time the 6th truck or car load of people pulled up I was face planted in my dads beautiful lawn.Due to the excessive amount of alcohol I had embibed,I ended up having a strange boy hold my hair while I oh-so-eloquently vomited profusely.I then thanked him by passing gas on his feet. A few hours later I woke up being dumped into a pool,wearing a guy friends work shirt.I still don't know the full story to that.I do remember going and kidnapping my little sister from my mothers and forcing her to help me clean up the yard of all the beer cans before my dad woke up.She is still pissed about that 6 years later.
I was the infamous in my crowd.I was mean and I knew where to get ahold of almost any party favor you'd want.I drew the line at some of the requests.Even I realized we wanted to have fun,not die.I was guaranteed to make a party memorable,might not be a good memory but you remembered my ass!I had rules as to what was acceptable in my presence,even if it wasn't my party.I had to do something crazy,that no one else would have the balls to do.So I made the epic choice to acquire some hash brownies and distrubuted them to my fellow graduees in exchange for what ever I wanted at the time. That adventure led to walls melting and honestly believing I was floating on a cloud.It was glorious.It wasn't so glorious when a friend dropped his baked goods.The host of the party we attended had a large mastiff.He found the chocolate goods before we could.The damn dog ate a little over twice the recommended dose.He stayed in a marijuana coma for 48 hours,while his owner freaked and panicked that someone had poisoned his dog.But,like I said shit happens and he recovered none the worse from his little snack.Maybe his ass will think twice about eating something a stranger drops.
Some days we all laid at B-Lewis's on his wrap around couch and recovered from the excesses of the night or nights before.We watched movies,ate pizza,and popped ibuprofen like skittles,trying to stay as still as possible. Other days were spent at the lake floating and drinking and relaxing. Our days were simple and we always had a good time. Just hanging out together was enough for us.
The days started getting shorter and night came a little sooner.The end of our Indian summer was coming to a close,no matter how hard we fought it. Some friends were preparing to head for college,others moving just to get away from our small town and experience the city life.Others,like myself,were trying to figure out what the hell we were going to do with our lives. We all knew we were going to do big and great things.Some of us just didn't know what these great things were.
Chapter 4
Summer was finally over and my dad cornered me for a "talking to".He gave me the choice to go to college or get a job.I,instead,decided I wanted to pout and throw my ass up in the air. I wasn't ready for school and I'd get a job when I damn well pleased. Or so I thought.My partying quickly sucked up my brownie profits.I was broke.
One morning after a week or two of laying in bed contemplating a way to come up with more money,I got a delightful phone call asking if I wanted to make easy money.I said yes,and got a job I wasn't sure I wanted.I was now an employee of the Pumpkin Patch Daycare.My boss was this tall,down to earth blonde woman named Sandy.She was married and had two beautiful little girls.Before I knew it, we became the best of friends. Spending eight or more hours with a person for five days aweek will either make you the best of friends or awkward enemies. We jived! She was a fun person to be around,and we never had a bad day. She was a mentor and to me semed like superwoman.A small business owner,mother and wife. She was a basket case, but she accepted me and embraced me. She led me to the path of finding myself.
She taught me a lot about children,the way their minds work,their instinctual need for consistency and routine.The children on the other hand taught me many strange things.They didn't procisely speak english,but their own little lingo. I like to think of it as pigmy-speak. One day I caught one rubbing himself against the corner of the coffee table. After asking what he was doing,he excitedly explained that when he did that,"it felt good!". After that I didn't ask for any more explanations about girations against coffee tables. The children would occasionally form packs and occasionally developed a mob mentality against their fellow playmates.
Thankfully due to my careful intervention,no lives were lost. They were weird, hilarious and full of surprises.
I went from fighting my entire life to not allow children or anyone who would need me to be close to me.It was a war I never realized I waged. Children needed too much and I wasn't willing to give it. They needed love. I was frigid and mean. They need gentle words and comforting hands. I was harsh and rough. They waged small battles I wasn't even aware were going on. A nine month old baby girl with plump,pink cheeks screeching at you to "Wease put chu Jahh!",is hard to resist.When a toddler falls and scrapes their little pudgy knee and the first name he cries out for is yours...There are no words for that feeling.They melted my icey heart and in the end the children won the war.I was conquered.
I loved myjob and I really loved my weekly check. I scrimped and saved and bought myself a used silver, 1996 Mercury Sable that smelled of stale cigarettes and resembled a mommy mobile,but it was all mine.I was proud. I now thought of myself as a functioning adult and slowed my partying down dramatically. I wanted to enjoy the day with Sandy and the kids,not be hungover.That could wait for the weekends.
Life continued on that path of maturity and self growth for months. Fate had different plans.
Chapter 5
In September,on Labor day weekend,I recieved news mymind refused to accept. I would never be the same.
One of my best friends had been hit by a truck while riding on the back of a motorcycle. I rushed to her side as fast as I possibly could.I didn't want to believe it.I had just seen her two days before.She had snuck into town from college to see our group.
I got to hold her hand and see her. The hole that had been drilled into her skull to relieve the pressure on her brain.The road rash.The broken limbs. I was advised not to speak to her because it would agitate her and could possibly make the bleed in her brain worse. I couldn't resist the urge to whisper in her ear ,"Wake up,I love you...Please God don't leave me...".I left that night after seeing her once every 3 hours for 10 minute intervals,until being asked to leave so she could settle down.I made plans to return as soon a possible.
I never saw Lora alive again.
Chapter 6
Lora was pronounced brain dead the next day before I even crossed the county line.I had failed at trying to see her one last time. The loss of our friend brought the group together closer than ever. We became a sort of family.We all shared a pain no one else could grasp.
Her funeral was another kick in the heart.They had some pastor or reverend or whatever the hell he was,talk about Lora,like he'd known her on a personal level.There were no songs or photo slides of her.There was only this man,who Lora had met a handful of times,spouting off bullshit.He didn't know her!He said she wanted to be a teacher.WRONG.Lora wanted to do interior design not teach kids!
It only continued with these imposters talking about a girl that wasn't our Lora. Those closest to her,like ourselves,stared at each other in stunned amazement.This wasnt a funeral,this was a performance.A performance her family put on for the town and the people they knew. Lora had done a few things in life to embarrass them and they had taken control.She wouldnt embarrass them in death. Her funeral gave us no closure.
It hurt worse when they started taking down her facerbook and myspace pages.They deleted something that was all hers,she had made those pages!They represented a piece of her left behind and we weren't even allowed to keep that much.In that moment I hated her family.Hated them with all of my being.
Eventually my old instincts kicked in,and I built my wall back up.I distanced myself from everyone,wallowing in my grief.I gained 40 pounds. I didn't want to party.How anyone could possibly be happy when part of my sunshine had died,was inconcievable. I went to work and then I went home and I slept.I did this everyday.On the weekends I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep.
Sandy and the children kept me functioning.My two other best friends,Courtney and Tanna,made getting me better their full timejob. I was dragged from bed and they would try their best to make me look presentable. Months passed and progress was made.I started to feel alive and my heart was mending,the ice thawing again. The combination of Sandy,the kids,Tanna,and Courtney woke me up from my zombie grief.
Chapter 7
One day at work,after the fog had lifted, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.A full body mirror. I mentioned the 40 pounds right? I had gone months not looking at myself and for the first time I got a glimpse of what I looked like.I was so intensely horrified by what I saw.There were two chins where there had been one!My belly stuck out more than my breats did.My ass had doubled in size.Something had to be done.Immediatly.
Sandy decided to partner up with me.We dug through her old vcr tapes and found the Taebo series.It was a mixture of mainly cardio and ending in a cool down yoga type of move. We started that and noticed that while our flab turned to muscles,we still werent losing any weight.
A friend of Sandy's that ran a local beauty salon,was selling these "miracle" Chinese Herbal weightloss pills.For $30 a month and tales of everyone getting results,we decided it was worth it.We each bought a bottle and within two weeks were amazed.We started losing one pound a day,we weren't nearly as hungry and we only craved water.We ate better because it was honestly the only thing we could stomach.Our energy spiked and we kept up the taebo.
That first month Sandy lost close to 32pounds.I lost 27. We looked awesome.New hair styles and colors were in order. I decided to get a rainbow of colors put in the back,so that they just peeked through.They were amazing!Sandy decided to chop hers off and go as a lighter blonde.Life was good and we were hot.
Even though the weight was still steadily falling off the pairof us,and life seemed good,I still had a hollow spot in my chest. I frequently had to lock myself in bathrooms and cry out my grief.I screamed silent screams for what Lora would never get to experience.
I honestly expected it to be myself,or just about anyone else,to do something reckless,and end up dead.Never Lora.Lora came from a good family,she was going to college,she had a real chance of a future. Girls like her didnt die.It was girls like me,who were reckless,poor...Girls like me died.Not Lora.
One cold night it hit me like a rock.Lora would never be 21.She would never have babies or get married. She wouldnt graduate and come back to Breckenridge to do whatever it was she'd gone off to college for. I went to my car,locked myself in there and cried.I screamed with my grief,the screams of loss,of pain,of fury. I beat my steering wheel with all the anger I had built up inside me.I ignored the urge to turn my car on,let the heater warm my frosty skin.I wanted to punish myself for being alive,while she was gone.I stayed like that for 2 hours.
After I walked out of my car,I felt slightly better.I'd learned something in that car.I accepted the pain,it became a part of me I would always carry.I was willing to carry the hollow spot Lora had occupied in my heart. I had the honor of being one of her best friends,to love and to know her. So I would carry her in my heart and she would never truly be gone,she was in the heart and memories of everyone who knew and loved her. I could live with that.I could accept that.
Chapter 8
One freezing cold morning,I started my car and headed to work.Little did I know I would bafrely escape certain death and walk away with only a few cracked ribs and a serious care of whip lash.
I was heading to work,there was a four-way stop...with no stop signs,so I slowed down ,trying to see past an RV someone had in their driveway.I scooted my little mommy mobile out just a tad more.The nose of my car,drivers side now stuck out in the middle of the road.There was a huge white suburban speeding towards me.My survivalist instincts kicked in and I floored the gas!
The surburban hit my back drivers side tire,throwing me into someones yard.My car was totaled but I didn't know it.I was slumped over my steering wheel,knocked unconscience.Banging on my window was the young kid who had hit me,telling me to wake up,begging me to wake up and asking if I was okay.
A homeowner geting ready for work heard the wreck and called 911. A cop was on the way.He asked if I needed an ambulance,I turned it down.I called my boss freaking out because I was late.Sandy calmed me down and assured me I wasnt in trouble for being late,I was panicking knowing she might be mad at me.Obvioulsy the accident had made me a nervous wreck and a little iraartional.
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